Friends and lovers

How to manage when a friend is dating an idiot

Whether we like it or not, we all are making evaluations and ratings about all the people we meet based on their looks, manners and intelligence essence. We all can pretty easily measure, whether we think someone is attractive, smart, funny or delightful. It's rather easy to know whether we want to hang out with somebody or not. Also, we've all been in the situation where the date or a significant other of our friend doesn't really live up to our expectations. 

But do we have the ability or permission to tell a friend whether to toss or take?

A few days ago I met a guy that has been hanging with a really good friend of mine. And it was an instant no-go. I could tell after a minute of being in the same pre-party that this guy has nothing to offer to this BFF of mine. He was not interesting nor funny, not any inspirational mind or intellectual challenge for my smart and thoughtful friend. 

I told my friend about my initial reaction, and to my stunner, she had started to feel the same. This made me think about all the other times, when a new partner of a close friend of mine hasn't really convinced me of being the true match. Basically every time I have been suspicious about someone, the men or women have turned out to be weirdos, dullards, or simply not the right persons. 

So, probably our close friends see us clearer than we see ourselves. They see through us. They see the minor body messages of hesitation that construe in their subconscious mind a message that the guy is not the right for us. They are not as blurred by crush or the haze of emotions. 

Probably trusting a friend's gut might be more valid than trusting our own gut. After all, they are the safety net we'll be landing on whatever happens.

Post by Sally 

Truly, madly, deeply

A while ago, on a rainy summer night with blogs, Lykke Li and detox tea, I came across an interesting piece about our common perceptions of love and inspiration, in essence questioning the way we tend to regard love as something external to us, and inspiration as something that arises from within an artist.

Regardless of who we are or what we do, we tend to believe that love may suddenly come to us. It may swipe our feet from under us, it may throw us around and give us the ride of a lifetime – and, eventually, it may go away from us, abandon us, leave us alone. Inspiration, on the other hand, is seen to grow in the inside of an artist. If an artist manages to nurture and foster that inspiration, success will follow – and if he fails to find that inspiration, the artist himself has failed as a person.

What the article suggested was whether we should turn this whole scheme upside down – to start regarding love as an internally born emotion and inspiration as an external force. Basically, to give more mercy for the artist who’s still looking for the lost inspiration; he isn’t doomed for failure, but inspiration has just left him for a while, only to find him again later. And, what caught my attention the most, to bring more love to the world by stopping waiting for it to miraculously appear and instead, by starting to cultivate love yourself. Ultimately, people not only tend to care for the things they love, but also to learn to love the things they look after.

I really got stuck on this idea. Even after a few days of pondering, I still couldn’t take it in, or not even let go. I simply can't picture it, resigning myself for someone, growing love and affection bit by bit.

Some might say I’m ridiculously naïve, but I don't care – I sincerely want to have that zsa zsa zu. That passion, longing, and aching desire. That butterflies-in-your-stomach thing that happens when you not only love the person, but you gotta have them.

I don’t want a lukewarm love. I want it to burn my
lips and engulf my soul.

Woori (via That Kind of Woman)

Post by Jo

The Critical Step

I don't know on which basis you people evaluate your new love affairs, but for me, you really can't tell if a guy is worth putting any effort for before you have been in bed together.

But this has nothing to do with sex.

Even though I'm not the type of girl that I would spend my lonely nights holding a big fluffy teddybear, dreaming about a man who would gently hold me as I fall asleep, I do believe in the power of touch.

When you spend time in bed for the first time with someone you like, there is two common scenarios of what might happen. First one is that it's nice. It's fun, it's okay. When the regular routine is looming ahead and it's time to start reading emails and hiding from deadlines, you get up like every morning after a good night of sleep: it would be nice to stay to bed, but you rather get up. The bedtime was fun but when it's done, you're just done with it. And this is a bad sign.

The other scenario is that it's just magical. Like, regardless if you actually sleep together or not, it's just amazing. You know, it's like you're creating your own little parallel universe where nothing else matters except for the skin contact. You just simply can't get up. That's the kind of chemistry that causes you being late from work, skipping parties, not answering phone calls or staying inside the house for 36 hours.

If there's no such physical obsession, it never works. I don't know if it's about pheromones, hormones, chemicals or some unexplained divine forces, but even though I would really like a guy, the sex would be superb, but there's just no gut feeling of "let's quit our jobs and move to Siberia so that we can stay in and cuddle for the rest of our lives", I know that sooner or later the thing will suck.

So last night I slept with my new date. It was a "let's lock the doors, skip our duties and forget the real world" kinda thing. But still I was early at the office this morning.

But I'm pretty sure it's just me enhancing my habits. And this thing might be worth, if not putting all in, then at least up the ante.

Post by Sally