Top three perks that make single life awesome

The other day I met an old friend of mine for a long time. As usual, after a while of chit-chatting, we got into exchanging the latest news about our love lives – or, actually, there were no news really; she’d been in a relationship with the same guy for the last four years, and me more or less single about the same time.

Anyway, she was rambling on about her boyfriend and how stressed she was about their parents having dinner together, without them. O-M-G I thought to myself, but she kept going on up to the point of preaching how much more relaxed, easy and fun life is when you are single.
 
Pause. If you really hated that much being in a relationship, why wouldn’t you break up?

Exactly. Being in a relationship can be quite awesome.

I kind of shut my ears to the whining – smile, nod, smile, and so on. However, later that day I got back to thinking about the privileges of single life. My friend did have a point. Being single can indeed be very much relaxed, easy and fun, especially for the following three perks.

1. Not giving a fuck
   
   Being single means you don't need to give any fucks about anyone other than yourself. How liberating is that? You don’t have to put up with anybody else’s shit. Be it tiny annoyance or some serious, overwhelming kind of shit that nobody should be put through, it’s shit anyway. Shit. Shit. Shit. And you don’t have to deal with it.
    
2. Freedom
   
   You can do whatever you want to, whenever you want to. A Saturday night out with the girls? Flirting with the cute bartender? Having the whole bed all for yourself? Wearing comfy granny undies? Watching an embarrassing chick flick? Don't mind if I do. Spend all your money on yourself? Go backpacking in India for three months? Move abroad? Go ahead girl.
    
3. That feeling
   
   That feeling when you meet somebody new, interesting and exciting. That feeling when you reply to his text messages. That feeling before the first date. That feeling after the first date. The first time you kiss. The first time you have sex. That feeling.

Of course, there are days when being single feels plain crap, but knowing that there will be a time and a place for a relationship in my life, I won't let it put me down. Single life can be pretty amazing, so you might as well enjoy it to the full. Just ask yourself Am I awesome, and check the answer in the mirror – or here.

Post by Jo

Digital Love

In the era of Facebook, it's not only you and me. It's you, me and the social network. 

When it comes to relationships, the digital age has definitely added a layer of complication to our love lives. As if defining the relationship just between the two of you wasn't difficult enough, at some point you also will need to consider adding a definitive relationship status on social media.

“Add your relationships”, the Facebook Timeline delicately suggests. In a Relationship, Engaged or perhaps even Married? What about stating openly that you are Single? Too bad more detailed attributes – Single And Happy/Excited/Desperate/Dying – are not available. (Just kidding.) Oh, and there's always the option for brutal honesty – just say It’s complicated. (Don't tell me somebody really uses this.)

On a more serious note, on average it would seem that of my Facebook friends, people known to be single are more likely to not show their relationship status on their profile at all, whereas people know to be in a relationship are more likely to have it published. Of course, that saves the single people from having to reconsider their public status after every date they go to, but on the other hand, I couldn’t help thinking if In a Relationship is the generally looked-for status.

Whatever the truth, what often follows the DTR on social media are photos to prove that you’re happy, and public messages of affection. Be it candle-light dinners, matching T-shirts, mutual hobbies or initials drawn on sand, the message is quite the same: our life is happy. Ideal. Enviable.

On all social media, we do try to give as nice, neat and polished image as possible, but especially with relationships, some cases just get out of hand. It's as if some people were more interested in how others perceive their love, rather than in how much they actually love and are loved in return.

Both as a protest and an attempt to save myself from focusing on irrelevancies, for now I’ve established a philosophy of not posting any relationship status out there. Ever. Again. Easy for me to say now as I'm single, I know. Punch me the day I break my word.

Post by Jo

To be happy is to be free

As me and Jo are writing a blog about single life, it must be pretty obvious that neither of us are the kind of persons who would run from one long-term relationship to another. We both have a lifestyle of being single. We are not really dependent on relationships. Though I love being in love, and of course I look forward to finding that one person who will create the great harmony with my soul and be at the same time the most amazing and the most natural thing, I don’t really feel like I need it to complete me.

I’ve finally discovered the reason why I like being single more than I like being with someone.  As simple as it is, I can control my own happiness while I’m single. I can be happy generally, intensively and joyfully every single day. Since it’s up to me to decide.

Being with someone boosts happiness yet brings the pain. It brings out the stress: stressing about his feelings, your feelings, your future together, and your past together – about everything of you two. Though it’s occasional it’s tormenting.

Last time I had a serious long-term relationship, I ended it because I was not happy enough. I broke up with him not because I didn’t love him, but because I felt I’d be happier on my own.  And though we loved each other more than we had ever loved anyone else, I know it was a right thing to do.

The disease in pursuing the ultimate happiness is that you will always think is this enough? At times I wonder if I can be too pleased with my life on my own, so that I intentionally close out the possibilities of love since I subconsciously feel that I don’t want them to come and ruin my happiness.

Being too content for being by myself provides a risk of missing out something greater. But I hope that pursuing the ultimate condition of happiness will lead me to something that will make my world go upside down. Reaching for the stars will eventually land a Heaven on earth. 

Post by Sally

Why so serious?

I'm dating a guy that is everything but ordinary. He is cool as hell and also the most entertaining person I have ever met. Our thing is by far the most easy-going and funniest relationship-like thing that I have been in. We are having a ridiculously good time.

Our connection is something really unique, and so is our time together. We don't do normal stuff or act as couples do. We don't kiss as we meet but we give a high five. We don't eat romantic dinners in candle light, but we do acrobatic tricks and end up lounging on the floor bruised. We don't argue but we throw water on each other while we're pissed and just laugh the thing off. We don't discuss our emotions but we do freestyle rap verses about each other.

Having a thing like this is at the same time the most awesome thing in the world and the most tormenting. Because we're never serious. 

He doesn't tell me he likes me, but he tells me I'm "the boss" or calls me the Mother of Dragons from Game of Thrones because of my gentle heart and my ability to rule the world. He doesn't tell me he misses me but he sends me links to a Google search made by the term "You're the best" in the middle of the night. He doesn't tell me he wants to be with me but he tells me he will painfully murder every man that is trying to approach me. 

We discuss our future and past - our teenage rages, our obsessions, our wedding speeches, and our upcoming twin baby boys - but never about the present. 

And it has started to tear me apart. I need words. I need to be assured that behind the humorous behavior there's actually a man that cares about me. What if this is nothing but a big joke?

Post by Sally

Friends and lovers

How to manage when a friend is dating an idiot

Whether we like it or not, we all are making evaluations and ratings about all the people we meet based on their looks, manners and intelligence essence. We all can pretty easily measure, whether we think someone is attractive, smart, funny or delightful. It's rather easy to know whether we want to hang out with somebody or not. Also, we've all been in the situation where the date or a significant other of our friend doesn't really live up to our expectations. 

But do we have the ability or permission to tell a friend whether to toss or take?

A few days ago I met a guy that has been hanging with a really good friend of mine. And it was an instant no-go. I could tell after a minute of being in the same pre-party that this guy has nothing to offer to this BFF of mine. He was not interesting nor funny, not any inspirational mind or intellectual challenge for my smart and thoughtful friend. 

I told my friend about my initial reaction, and to my stunner, she had started to feel the same. This made me think about all the other times, when a new partner of a close friend of mine hasn't really convinced me of being the true match. Basically every time I have been suspicious about someone, the men or women have turned out to be weirdos, dullards, or simply not the right persons. 

So, probably our close friends see us clearer than we see ourselves. They see through us. They see the minor body messages of hesitation that construe in their subconscious mind a message that the guy is not the right for us. They are not as blurred by crush or the haze of emotions. 

Probably trusting a friend's gut might be more valid than trusting our own gut. After all, they are the safety net we'll be landing on whatever happens.

Post by Sally 

Truly, madly, deeply

A while ago, on a rainy summer night with blogs, Lykke Li and detox tea, I came across an interesting piece about our common perceptions of love and inspiration, in essence questioning the way we tend to regard love as something external to us, and inspiration as something that arises from within an artist.

Regardless of who we are or what we do, we tend to believe that love may suddenly come to us. It may swipe our feet from under us, it may throw us around and give us the ride of a lifetime – and, eventually, it may go away from us, abandon us, leave us alone. Inspiration, on the other hand, is seen to grow in the inside of an artist. If an artist manages to nurture and foster that inspiration, success will follow – and if he fails to find that inspiration, the artist himself has failed as a person.

What the article suggested was whether we should turn this whole scheme upside down – to start regarding love as an internally born emotion and inspiration as an external force. Basically, to give more mercy for the artist who’s still looking for the lost inspiration; he isn’t doomed for failure, but inspiration has just left him for a while, only to find him again later. And, what caught my attention the most, to bring more love to the world by stopping waiting for it to miraculously appear and instead, by starting to cultivate love yourself. Ultimately, people not only tend to care for the things they love, but also to learn to love the things they look after.

I really got stuck on this idea. Even after a few days of pondering, I still couldn’t take it in, or not even let go. I simply can't picture it, resigning myself for someone, growing love and affection bit by bit.

Some might say I’m ridiculously naïve, but I don't care – I sincerely want to have that zsa zsa zu. That passion, longing, and aching desire. That butterflies-in-your-stomach thing that happens when you not only love the person, but you gotta have them.

I don’t want a lukewarm love. I want it to burn my
lips and engulf my soul.

Woori (via That Kind of Woman)

Post by Jo

Is Less actually More?

Last weekend I met a friend of mine, and as all decent-behaving fine ladies do when they meet after a while, we analyzed the current situation of our sex lives, as well as other relationship related issues. Well, my friend told me the most ridiculous thing I had heard by far, or at least that’s what I was thinking when I heard the thing – she told me she only has sex with her boyfriend maximum once a week, since she wants to invest in quality instead of quantity.

I told her she could stop making poor excuses, and admit that three years in a relationship, a dog and a shared laundry bag have affected the intensiveness of her bedroom activity.

However, the more I thought about it, the more sense it started to make. One of the basic assumptions of human behavior in economics is the law of diminishing marginal utility – the more you have a certain good, the less extra utility a unit of the good gives you.  The first glass of wine gives you much more pleasure than the tenth one (though alcohol might be exception since the sufficient supply of it is free and unlimited).

This applies to human contact as well. The more you meet someone, the less special it gets. If you meet a guy rarely, the moments are loaded with expectations, belongingness and happiness. More often you meet, more everydayish it gets. Like if you start having lunch every day in a Michelin starred restaurant instead of your office cafeteria, you’ll get used to the quality of the food, and stop respecting its amazingness of every meal. In the end you start treating the Michelin star restaurant in your mind the same way as you treat the poor office cafeteria.

This applies especially in a situation when dating someone new is starting to get more frequent. After some while of dating the excitement slowly starts to disappear as the relationship starts to stabilize. It becomes everyday. And this is where we are heading with my guy right now. 

Though emotions are the only concept in the world that cannot be explained by science, the laws of social sciences might still have their points to apply in the market of love. I'm not ready to stabilize with my nascent relationship just yet. So taking some distance might actually improve our utility surpluses. I don’t want us to treat each other like office cafeterias. 

Post by Sally

Equality Sucks

One thing that makes dating really fun is being a woman. It means not having to pay for anything.

I know there are two separate schools of thought about this among woman in the western countries. There are women that regard it disgracefully old-fashioned to have a date to pay their dinners and vodka tonics. And then, there are selfish and hedonistic women that don't bother making all the feminists of the world pleased with their actions, since they rather just enjoy the role of a princess that's being honored and served well.

As you might have guessed, I'm definitely the latter type. I do manage my own financials pretty well, but still, especially after having lived in the Southern Europe, where it's seen as loosing face for a guy if a lady pays something herself, I respect a man that pays on a date. 

A few days ago I went on a date. (Yep, I'm still seeing The Guy I was panicing about the last time.) But what made this special, was that I really wanted to pay for my own stuff. I would have felt uncomfortable letting him pay. 

I have tried to analyze why. I'm pretty sure I really like him, but it has never been a problem letting a guy that I really like to pay my stuff. How could I ever get a wedding ring with five digit price tag, if I was uncomfortable letting a man spend his money on me? Ridiculous.

But this time I was. Probably since I feel so equal with him. That there is no power or status differences between us two. We play on the same league. We have a similar Aura. 

We are as cool, as funny, as good looking, as emotional, very alike. 

It's doomed to fail, isn't it?

Post by Sally

Single world problems

When I'm at dinner with my friends and they run through
the list of who is engaged or married from high school

and I'm like...

Source: #myfriendsaremarried

This spring, the single population in our little group of friends has become smaller than ever. The majority of my closest friends are actually in a relationship at the moment.

Whoa. How did this happen?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t be any happier for my friends. It’s heart-melting to see the blissful, almost dumb-like smile on their faces when we’re talking about their new sweethearts, huns, and boos.

It’s just… Sometimes a single girl needs another single girl. To talk shit about the lamest ever I-made-a-birthday-cake-to-my-hubby Facebook status update, to drink two bottles of champagne before noon, or to cry her heart out over the guy who went and fucked the dumbass blondie instead of her.

Some days, a single girl needs not to see any couples around her. Today, I got all anxious when I came to think about our plans for the Midsummer holidays: going to a summer cabin for four days with my closest friends, the bunch consisting nowadays of eight couples, and six singles.

If the couples decided to challenge the singles to any team sports, we’d be 16 against 6. Yay.

“But so what? It’s not a big deal, and we’re still the same.”

Yes, and no. Being in a relationship changes you, in my opinion. Not necessarily for worse, but for different.

“But so what? You’ll probably end up being just like us, some day you’ll be in a relationship as well.”

Yes, most probably. That day, I might take a look back at this post and not understand anymore at all what I’ve been writing about. But that day isn’t today, and until that day, I sometimes will need to get to be my selfish and bitchy single self.

Apologies to my more or less married friends. You’re all cool, but sometimes just so very different.

Post by Jo

Us vs. Me

Ok. Prepare to get emotional with me. 

The situation between me and The Guy I have been talking about has moved into the state where both of us wonder what's the deal and where are we heading. We have been hanging out for over a month now and it has been enjoyable, fun, and sweet in all the imaginable measures. I like him and he likes me. 

But this is the point where the problems usually start. The point where I start freaking out. 

All this happened just too fast. It was just few weeks ago, when he surprised me on my late night run and in this beautiful night of rainy Helsinki I realized that this might be something more than just friends thing. And now we meet every day. We know the schedules of each others' days. We wash our teeth together before going to bed. We don't do dates or stress about how we look or act with each other. We hang out like a married couple. Last night he actually called me darling before going to sleep.

This is all just what the fuck. As selfish, bitchy, and you're-gonna-be-forever-alone it may sound, I don't like the idea of us instead of just me. I don't like sharing my life. I like to be able to isolate for a weekend and not to talk with anyone if I feel like staying in bed watching How I Met Your Mother and eating peanut butter. I like changing my mind every day and being in a bad mood for no reason without being a harm to no one. I like being spontaneous and kissing whomever I like. I'm really good at falling for people, but I really suck at falling in love with anyone.

So, I have a feeling that the thing is either to go big or go home. And you know there's no place like home. 

Post by Sally

Spring/Summer 2013 - the Essentials of the Season

Me and Jo have this funny little habit in our group of friends of announcing themes for each four seasons of a year: themes for our love lives. It's not a dead-searious guideline to follow, it's just something fun to boost our already fabulous single life even more. This exciting seasonality started a year ago, as we both were moving back to Helsinki from our adventurous little field trips around the world - and as we were both in the mood for love.

So, Jo launched the Summer of 2012 the be the greatest of all, a mindblowing, tell-your-grandchildren-about-this, the official Summer of Love.

It went ok. I met a man that changed my world at a rock festival in Belgium. However, though we both were ready to get married, buy a caravan and drive around the world together after the festival weekend, it didn't lead that far in the real world. 

So September started with still no love. Jo, again, thought that it would be time to freshen up our mindset, so the fall became the Fall of Crush. 

It was a flop. Nothing worth mentioning was going on. I ended up dating a skateboarder who was shorter than me and lying myself that maybe I do like this guy, I just don't realize it, because he's so short.. Well, no way. 

After the two seasons of searching for the one, we were really sick and tired of sweet sweet love. It was time for the Winter of Bang.

As a surprise to no one, it was a huge success. 

However, as emotional motherfuckers like we are, we needed something more when the days started to get longer - so this evolved into the Spring of Fling.  

The Spring surprised even myself with the flingy things it brought with it. So as the days have been getting warmer, leaves greener and white wine spritzers more and more enjoyable, the Spring of Fling has pointed out which direction it is leading us. 

So welcome - the Summer of Romance.

Post by Sally

All The Single Ladies

“So, how come you’re still single?”

… Ahem. Awkward.

I’ve never really come up with a good answer to the question. I haven’t even quite understood the whole point with the question – is it supposed to somehow mock me? To compliment me? Or is it just pure wondering?

“Maybe because I’m a complete bitch” is what I’d sometimes like to say, but on the other hand, that might not work with dear old Grandma.

On Sunday I was yet again tongue-tied while meeting an old friend over a cup of late afternoon tea. Since puberty she's pretty much all the time been in a relationship with someone, and she seems to be having a hard time to understand why some people don’t mind that they haven’t yet found their other half/soul mate/significant other/whatever the fuck.

Not even close to smooth, I mumbled something strange, gave a shy laugh and quickly changed the topic before she’d get carried away about hooking me up with some blind date. Awkward, yes indeed.

However, yesterday I came across this miraculous piece of wisdom on the Thought Catalogue. So, here’s to everyone who’s got embarrassed with the above question (or, perhaps, on the darkest of the moments, has questioned it from themselves):

“You’re not single because your standards are too high. Good for you for having standards. It’s not because you didn’t like that really, really good guy who wanted to take you on a date and you just weren’t feeling it. And it’s not because you like to wear pajama pants as soon as you get home and wash all the makeup off your face. You’re not single because you didn’t learn enough from the past or would rather chill on a Friday night with your blanket and a cold beer than shower, get ready, and go out. You’re not single because something is wrong with you.

You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.”

You are single because you are single. How simple, and how very enlightening is that?

Post by Jo